Catalogue Shopping for a Date - Part 1

Hey gals,

The first post you've been waiting for. Cindy, I expect you to write on this subject, too. I can't be the only person to take these hits for the team.

One week has come and gone since I dusted off a year-old profile and relaunched it on Match.com. Here's where I stand. Days online: 7. Communications received: 6. Communications returned: 0. Dates: 0. The highlights are summarized below.

Communication No. 1 was from "Starmeadows," who purports to be a 41-year-old guy living in Manhattan. The e-mail, in its entirety, went like this:

"Hi! I liked your profile -- gave a lot of insight about you.......It looks like we have a lot in common!!! As I mention in my profile, I am very compassionate, warm and affectionate. I also have a good sense of humour (albeit, sometimes I can get somewhat silly/goofy?), and I am also pretty good in the kitchen. I enjoy most sports, the outdoors, hiking, camping, love animals, movies, museums, traveling (esp. Asia, Europe, & South America - latter included Macho Picchu), reading, live music (inc. jazz & blues), and the arts (in which I dabble). I both live and work in Manhattan. I am well educated, and have a challenging and rewarding career. I also place high priority on family and friends.I am not very religious; however, I am fairly spiritual and derive wisdom/inspiration from eastern Buddhist and Taoist beliefs. I prefer the company of individuals who will challenge and motivate me..Oh, yeah, I also like people who are fun, adventurous, spontaneous, open-minded, honest, and don't take the "small things" too seriously.. Please check out my profile and let me know if you are interested....."

We had nothing in common. I was not interested.

Starmeadows' photo is a little hard to see, but it appears to be that of a somewhat overweight, balding, mustached white guy. Here's some profile text for your consideration (and I cut and paste these verbatim without any editing):

"brainy -- but zainy!!! ... seeking_spiritual_soulmate..."

"...My favourite authors include Kundera, Peter Carey, Bulgakov, Gogol, Roth (both Philip & Henry), & ... Dr. Suess!!! ( I love Dr. Suess -- who I consider a genius!!! Who says that he is just a children’s book author???"

"I am fairly intellectual (I attended several ivy-league schools) and prefer to date very intelligent/intellectual women."

"WIT OF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER; BODY OF WOODY ALLEN!"

Delete.

The next e-mail I got from "edgeland," a 38-year-old white guy in Brooklyn, was straight and to the point.

"Hi. nicely written profile. got any interesting trips planned?"

The photos were o.k., but the body text turned me off:

"I was thrilled to have some time to travel. I spent a month hanging out with monkeys, sloths, and surfers in Costa Rica. Un/fortunately I stumbled into a new job a couple of weeks after returning. So now I’m working for one of NY’s greatest icons… go ahead, take a guess. Oddly, I still find myself among monkeys, sloths, and surfers, only now they're wearing suits."

"If your profile contains the word 'princess', or makes allusions to themes commonly found in fairytales or daytime television, we're probably not a match. On the other hand, if reality TV makes you cringe that's a good sign. That probably eliminates about 90% of the profiles on Match, and maybe I can't afford to do that but hey, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. If you're in the remaining 10% we probably have a similar sense of humor, so please don't hesitate to send me a message."

I like reality TV, which clearly puts me out of the running. This just wasn't meant to be. So sad. Delete.

"Shamrock2004680," another 41-year-old white guy in Manhattan, by contrast, was too anonymous and generalized to make fun of and garner much interest.

The e-mail: "Hey, I read your profile and it looks interesting,Take a look at mine and let me know what you think."

The picture: None posted.

The profile, in its entirety: "I work in the real estate industy in New York City managing commercial property. I live on the upper west side of Manhattan. I enjoy the outdoor activities. I like spend free time with friends and family. I am pretty easy going and usually tend to suround myself with similar types of people. I enjoy a preson with a good sense of humor and has the ability to go with the flow. I perfer not to hang out with people who are overly moody. I like people who are always up for trying new things. I like to be with people who are not lazy and can get things done. I like people who can do things spontaneously. If you are interested e-mail me and I will send you my photo."

So all I could tell about this guy was that he's 41, white, faceless, lives in the city, hangs out with people he knows or is related to, and doesn't like moodiness and laziness. Whatever. Delete.

-- t.o.