Eharmony sucks (reprise)

Maybe I should have called this "Adventures in Dating," after all.

Anyway, in the spirit of blogging (and because this $&*%-ing strike is keeping me homebound), I'm cutting and pasting the first and only entry I wrote about a very, very short-lived Eharmony experience I had back in January 2004.

The Personality Profile

Eharmony claims to differentiate itself from the rest of the online dating pack with its “scientifically proven compatibility matching,” a system established by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, the founder of Eharmony. Lest you forget who the Father of Eharmony is, Dr. Warren’s smiling, bespectacled face appears virtually everywhere on the site; a visage of hope and reassurance to thousands of bewildered singles who, having failed to obtain relationship success through fate and intuition, now seek refuge in his scientific approach. For those who harbor any doubt in his qualifications, “he has appeared on more than three thousand radio and television programs, such as Oprah, CNBC, CNNFN and Focus on the Family” to the extent that he is now “one of America’s best-known experts on singles’ issues, mate selection and developing healthy relationships.”

Scientific methodology aside, what sets apart Eharmony from the other online sites is its eyeball-rolling corniness. It’s the kind of place you go to when “you’re ready to find the love of your life,” when you’re all revved up to “begin the exciting journey toward finding your true love.” The icky word “soul mate” looms large in Eharmony prose. The message on this site is loud and clear: Commitmentphobes, platonic friend-seekers, and everyone else aspiring for nothing more than a discreet roll in the hay need not apply here.

Anyway, Eharmony’s “scientific matching model” (following “soul mate,” “science” is a big word on the site) matches people based on 29 “dimensions of compatibility” that are essential to long-term relationship success. The 29 factors are: good character, dominance versus submissiveness, curiosity, industry, vitality and security, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, artistic passion, adaptability, obstreperousness, sense of humor, sociability, energy, ambition, emotional health, anger management, quality of self conception, mood management, communication, conflict resolution, kindness, autonomy versus closeness, feelings about children, family background, education, spirituality, traditionalism, and values orientation. I’m skeptical that a scientific model can really figure out whether two strangers are compatible in bed or can laugh at the same jokes, but fine, kudos to Dr. Warren for trying to add some "scientific" heft to online dating.

The starting point for this method is an excruciatingly long 500-question online personality test. Section 1 lists 71 adjectives (e.g., warm, dominant, ambitious, lazy, arrogant, witty) and asks you to rate yourself on each adjective on a 1 to 7 scale, from 1 being “not at all” to 7 being “very.” Next, you’re given 32 adjectives (e.g., good listener, physically fit, quiet, thoughtful, funny) and asked to pick 4 that your friends would use to describe you. Section 2 lists 55 descriptive phrases (e.g., “I enjoy a good joke,” “I enjoy acquiring possessions,” “My personal religious beliefs are important to me,”) and again asks you to rate them. You’re also asked to name someone besides your parents who has been an influential part of your life and explain why. This answer gets included in your public profile.

Section 3 is all about Feelings, and gives you 20 adjectives (e.g., “happy,” “fulfilled,” “plotted against,” “fearful about the future”). Again, you rank those feelings that have affected you most over the last few months. Another fill-in-the-blank section asks you to list three things for which you’re most grateful. This list will also be part of your public profile.

I click on “continue” and am heartbroken to discover that I am only 35% done with this damn quiz. I imagine the interminable Q&A session is yet another device for screening out the fling-seeker. Only a serious soulmate-hunter could endure such nitpicky soul-searching. So onwards I go.

Section 4 is all about the Important Qualities you want in your partner. There are 24 qualities to rate. I want them all—kindness, friendship, shared values, chemistry, conflict-resolution, intelligence, safety, and the other 17 on the list. Studying all those qualities, I wonder whether I'm too picky for my own good, but I chalk it up to high standards (read: I'm too damn lazy to spend another half an hour in front of the computer and prioritize) and unabashedly rate most of them highly.

Shit, I’m only 39% done. Deep sigh. Then lo and behold, on the sidebar on the next screen, there’s a message from Dr. Warren, cheering me on as though he had read my mind. “The process may seem long,” he says sympathetically, “but I believe it will be so worthwhile for you—just as it has been for so many others before.”

My Personal Beliefs get weighed in Section 5. The first 3 questions are all about religious beliefs—your own, your ideal partner’s. Section 6 has 19 true-false questions About Your Personality. Quick, true or false? You always read ALL of the warning literature on side-effects before taking any medication.

Your Personal Interests are covered in Section 7, which lists about 80 “interests” for ranking. There’s something for everyone here, from basic life skills such as “eating,” “conversation,” and “learning,” to the more eclectic “genealogy,” “sharpshooting,” and “piloting small aircraft.” Even “solitude” is a rankable interest for the socially withdrawn. A blank box asks me to fill in what I’m most passionate about so that my matches can see this on my profile.

Section 8, Living Skills. There are 34 to rank, such as “long-term personal planning,” and “creating romance in a relationship.” Car maintenance and repair gets a big fat “1” from me. On the next screen is a list of the same 34 life skills, and a request to pick the 3 that I do best.

This feels like the SAT all over again, but without the intellect and the rigid timelines. Somehow I think this process would go much faster and be more honest if Dr. Warren gave everyone only 30 seconds to fill in each page.

Communication Skills, Section 9. Only 10 phrases about how I deal with conflict.

Relationship Style, Section 10. I have to rank 21 phrases detailing ideal qualities in a relationship – e.g., being able to count on my partner for emotional support, being able to discuss feelings, being able to make compromises. Yes, yes, and yes, I check most everything off because everything is important to me and my lofty standards (read: I just want to get this over with!).

Section 11. There are 24 boxes with four descriptive phrases in each. You have to pick the one phrase which describes you the most, and the one that describes you the least. By this time I am losing complete patience and fly right through this section without much thought. I curse Dr. Warren for coming up with 29 dimensions of compatibility when 10 would have made this test go by so much faster.

Family Relationships, Section 12. Eighteen adjectives that describe your relationships with your parents or parental figures – e.g., abusive, conflicted, supportive, friendly.

FINALLY, Basic Information on Section 13. My birthdate, sex, martial status, willingness to have children, willingness to be with someone who has children under 18, educational level, income, religion, height, ethnicity, preferred ethnicity in a partner, my career, smoking and drinking habits. I am also asked to rank certain adjectives that are supposed to describe my physical appearance: stylish, beautiful, shapely, overweight, plain, fit and sexy. By far this is the most humbling self-assessment section.

I can’t believe it. One hour and a million clicks later, I’m finally done. How did relationship-building ever become this complicated? Why can’t the ability to carry on decent conversation and appear non-repulsive be good enough anymore? Can all this exhaustive factor-matching really be a recipe for success?

The Results.

Following the personality test is the Personality Profile, the “know thyself” step to hooking up online. Eharmony puts it more eloquently, of course.

“Mate selection is a highly complex task. Fundamental to your success at this task is an extensive awareness of who you are. This report is designed to help you get to know yourself at a deeper level.”

Right.

This report, like the test, comes in multi-part format but thankfully doesn’t feel as long. I’ve copied the report verbatim and have only changed pronouns to the first person. So, this is who Eharmony says I am:

I. Overview
- I prefer a warm, friendly environment free of conflict and hostility. In that environment, I prefer reassurance of my involvement and self-worth.
- I tend to be a traditionalist, and will enjoy the social environment best if it is stable and predictable. I dislike sudden decisions about where to go or what to do, preferring to think things out first.
- Because of my lenient and complacent nature, others with fewer scruples may take advantage of me. I could, perhaps, benefit from greater assertiveness.
- I may demonstrate positive possessiveness by developing strong attachments; however, I will not be overly involved as some others tend to do.
- I have a basic need to be supportive of others. I will agree with others, sometimes even if it's not what I really want.
- Others may perceive me as being undemonstrative and self-controlled. Not wanting to be the center of attention, I generally support others.
- I tend to dislike sudden or abrupt changes. I prefer things the way they are. My motto might be: "If it's not broken, don't fix it."
- I tend to be loyal to others. My loyalty shows in a variety of ways including my "staying power" with relationships and activities.
- I am a good friend and am always willing to help those I consider to be my friends. I also show strong ties, and will be uncomfortable when separated from my friends for an extended period.

II. Communication

- I have a communications style which many people are comfortable with almost immediately. I am sincere, a good listener, not pushy and overall a comfortable person to be near.
- In communicating with others, I may support the mainstream ideas rather than new trailblazing activities. I may prefer the stable and traditional activities.
- Others will notice that I am a sincere person about what I say and do. This trait, along with the excellent listening skills, creates an individual whom most people find pleasant to be with and a calming type of person.
- I tend to internalize conflict. As a result, if something about another is bothering me, I may bottle-up feelings and keep them inside.
- In my group, I may support the group leader rather than vie for a leadership position myself. As a result, the group leader will usually appreciate the support I bring.

III Improving Communication (This is a list of communication styles that “mesh well” with my own. Having a partner “who understands and practices these traits is important to [my] long-term happiness.”)

- Ask "How" questions to draw out opinions.
- Be sincere and use a tone of voice that shows sincerity.
- Provide personal support and assurance.
- Present ideas softly, nonthreateningly.
- Provide solid, tangible, practical ideas and evidence.
- Patiently draw out personal interests.
- Keep the conversation at the discussion level, rather than confrontation.
- Start with a personal comment to "break the ice."
- Allow time to ask questions.
- Work to achieve mutual satisfaction.
- Listen sincerely.

(Wouldn’t this be true of anyone?)

IV Strengths and Characteristics that I Bring to a Relationship

- I am good at reconciling (i.e. I don't like to sulk after a conflict is resolved).
- I am good at helping others people reach their goals.
- I tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.
- I am generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.
- I am very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
- I like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.
- I tend to work hard at making sure that other people are happy.
- I am excellent at listening to the concerns and ideas of others.
- I take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.
- I tend to be a very calming influence in heated situations.
- I am generally very patient with people.

V My Emotional Needs. I may want:

- Time to react to new ideas and sudden change.
- Recognition for my concern for quality relationships.
- Others to adhere to my high standards.
- Detailed information about major decisions with complete instructions.
- Security and safety procedures around the house: fire safety, smoke detectors, electronic security systems, etc.
- Protection or insulation from aggression or confrontation.
- Time to think things over before making a commitment.
- An environment free from conflict or hostility.
- Better planning for change in the future.
- Time and opportunity to weigh pros and cons of decisions.
- A predictable environment with few surprises that are not "planned."